the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
