Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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