what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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