well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
