I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's rum buckets o'clock
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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