I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
