love makes seman taste better
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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