batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
