If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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