then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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