Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
