it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
now i know why i became what i already was.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't trust your balls anymore.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
