party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
