That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
