If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
