What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
