he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
