If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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