Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
