You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
