May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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