Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
