I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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