GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
