I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
