Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
