Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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