fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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