there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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