We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
