Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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