it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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