She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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