I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
