Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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