If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
even my farts smell like vagina
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
