omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
