My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
