Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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