I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
