Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
