WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
