Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
