Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
