I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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