Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
