I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
