i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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