i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How external is "for external use only"?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
