Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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