so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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