Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
